First Name Last Name

This week I ran into a guy who a few of my friends and I affectionately refer to as First Name Last Name (FNLN).

I have a strange history with FNLN. I was embarrassingly in love with him during high school. He was the cool 11th grade guy and I was a lowly 9th grade girl. He went to the boys’ school up the road from my girls’ school. That we should have met at all, to have the strange history that we have now, is a miracle in itself. But, we did meet and I fell in love. (When I say in love, I mean it in the most school like way possible; folders covered with my first name and his last name, constant talk about him with my friends, games of M.A.T.C.H to see how we would live out our perfect live, you name it and I was all for it!)

I lived a short walking distance from our schools and his bus stop was just past my house. So on one fateful afternoon our paths crossed, thanks to a particularly promiscuous 10th grade girl looking to get her ending. It never happened for her! I still feel like laughing out of spite at her efforts! Haha! But what did happen was that FN started walking me home from school every afternoon! Oh the joy that that involved! I thought I was quite possibly the coolest girl in my grade! Girls higher up on the popularity pyramid than I would ask me how I knew him with jealousy! FN was hot, there was no denying it, but he also seemed nice too!

Our walk every afternoon continued until he finished school and I was devastated! There would be no more FNLN to look forward to in the afternoon. No more reasons to be excused to use the bathroom in the last class of the day so that I could freshen up and put on some make up. I should now mention that nothing ever actually happened with FNLN while we were growing up. Probably for the best now looking back on it all, but at the time my life was over! My boyfriend was relieved!

By the time I finished school, I rarely thought of FNLN, unless I happened to drive by his parents’ house on the way somewhere. I assumed he went on to live his life and I went on with mine.

It wasn’t until a little while ago I was at a gig with some friends and I spotted him! My heart raced, my legs got shakey, I got all excited like I use to at 3pm every afternoon. He looked the same, but a little shorter, I guess I had grown. Or become use to dating taller men. I stood in my spot watching him, debating whether or not to go up and say hello to him. Would he remember me? What if he didn’t? How embarrassing! I told one of the girls I was with a quick history of our school days and the vital fact that he was standing meters away from us. With her encouragement, I went over and said hello.

He remembered me! JOY! His first words after “Wow, you’ve really grown up” were “You use to be such a dork” DEVISTATION! There was an attempted to recover from this statement that has visibly wounded me buy then adding that I now looked good, really good. I felt like I was a little tiny fish being summed up by a big shark with big teeth to be eaten for dinner.

Long story short, we swapped numbers that night and went out separate way. Then there were text messages about a catch up we spoke of oh so vaguely, and an additional vague invite to his housewarming party. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was still this little tiny fish coming face to face with a big shark, so said catch up and said attendance to the housewarming never eventuated.

Again he was gone from my life and I stopped thinking about him. That was, until a few days ago.

I was at another gig and there he was again! I was avoiding an ex boyfriend and desperate to find someone, anyone to talk to, so I was scanning the crowd for any familiar faces and there he was! Same reaction as last time, the quickening heartbeat, the shakey legs, though a little less of the excitement. Again I walked up and said hello and we exchanged pleasantries. He asked me what I was up to and I tried to make my life sound as fabu as possible without being untruthful (these days his sister in a loose acquaintance of mine, so any lie would be detected and I would look like a fool, and I can’t have something like that happen in front of FNLN). Then it was my turn to ask him what he had been up to since our paths last crossed. He told me he had moved since I last saw him and that he was engaged! Visible wounding again, with a mutter of congratulations thrown in for good measure.

First Name Last Name is engaged!?! Despite the tiny little fish, big scary shark feeling that was still very much present, I still felt betrayed and like I had missed my chance with him when I had it! I had to get away from the conversation fast, I would much have rather run into the ex boyfriend I was trying to avoid than stand there in shock going through the paces of enquiring about the lucky lady and the like. I noticed that my hands were empty. A drink should have been in one, if not both! Here was my excuse, so I ran with it!

After a lame “See you late, I must get to a bar” I felt better. This feeling did not last for long. He did see me later. Thankfully I ran out of cash before I got embarrassingly drunk. He came up to me and told me he and his friend were leaving. I did the customary “Well it was good seeing you, good luck with the excitement of the wedding planning and the like”. Then he did the strangest thing.

He stepped up to me, so we were close, really close! I could smell the alcohol he had been drinking that day. I could see that he was tired. I could see that he had something important to say. He took my hand looked it, played with the ring on my middle finger, and looked me in the eye again. Then, while shaking my hand, he said “Goodbye Jane”. This was sincere; I didn’t feel like the tiny little fish against the big shark. I didn’t know what to do, so I shook his hand back and light-heartedly, almost absentmindedly said “Yeah, maybe I might see you around sometime.” Then he walked back to his friends.

I can’t help but wonder if this will be the last time I see First Name Last Name ever again. Was that what the “Goodbye” thing was about? I still don’t know what to think of it. In fact I almost get a bit chuckly about it as I’m so confused that I find it amusing.

Goodbye First Name Last Name.