Every now and then I feel as though the walls are closing in on my small world, in the city where I reside. Having grown up here, I know a lot of people. Even when I think I'm meeting new people but it turns out they already know people who I know. Sometimes, it’s easy to think the city where I live everyone is staring in their own The Truman Show, or something very similar. Everyone one watchedseveryone and everything one is on show.
I suppose that is one reason why the thought of living in New York is so appealing. New York is the ultimate fresh start. It has been for millions and millions of people for centuries now. New York is a city full to the brim with people I don’t know, and who don’t know me (with the exception of a hand full of people who I adore anyway) With my eye firmly on the moving to New York prize, I still can’t help an overwhelming feeling to flee home, even for a quick break, sooner than the big move.
One of my closest and longest friends moved away at the end of last year. She has had a fresh start. And while, at times, I have no doubt that it must be incredible lonely, she seems to have come more into herself since the move. She is no longer held back by peoples ideas of who she is, the new people she meets see her as she is and accept (and not doubt love) the person in front of them. She hasn’t changed who she is at all. The only change has been her habitat.
I would LOVE to meet some new people, full stop. I’m not even talking about meeting a man to date, just new people in general. No ties. Rather than taking comfort in common ground, the comfort comes from the unknown. There are no biases, no one to sway opinions based on high school prejudice, or scorned love on a Saturday night dance floor bitching.
This would be absolute bliss.
The walls closing in feeling started when I realised that I might be a tiny bit interested in a guy I grew up with. I have a little crush. But, nothing will come of this; at least, I sincerely doubt anything will. While the thought of spending time with him makes my heart beat a little faster, the thought of spending time with any of his friends, also people I’ve grown up with, makes me sick to the stomach. This is the reason I will not take the crush thing any further than the thought bubble in my head distracting me during the dull work days.
Recently I came across this picture.
Ordinarily, a scene like this would either revolt me or bore me to death. There is nothing in the above image that normally would make me want to visit there. But, I do want to visit here. Tomorrow at the latest! I would love to do nothing more than to loose myself in this picture for a couple of days. Turn off my phone. Forget about work, email, blogs, and my life here and simply bask in the emptiness. I wouldn’t be able to forget about study though; I’ve got way too much of that going on at the moment. Just the thought of it is keeping me awake at night.
I think my friend is incredible brave and I hope to show some of that same courage when it comes time for my big move. It’s funny though, when I’ve been away from here for a while I’m always glad to come back to my comforts. Maybe I need to flee more often to be more content with being home. Until such time, I think it's best that I hide under the covers with Lula magazine and cups of tea.
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